Personal Stories
- Marjanne, 42 , alcohol and medicine addict
- Hans, 45 , alcohol addict
- Cissy, 48, alcohol addict
- Arnold, 48 , alcohol addict.
- Lucas, 38, alcohol, cocaine and gambling addict.
- Hilde, 34 , bulimic
- Noes, 52 , alcohol addict
My life so far can be best described as turbulent. My father was a broker in the oil business, so we moved around a lot and followed him to all corners of the world. I cared for my father a great deal; I looked up to him, but I often felt that he didn’t love me back; my baby brother was his pet. He passed away a few years ago and his death came as a great shock to me. Between the ages of twelve and sixteen, I was sexually abused. It was a horrible experience but I felt responsible and never told my parents. At these early stages of my life, I was already repressing my feelings. I have had various jobs that I really enjoyed. I worked for people who had drive and ambition. Looking back, I feel as if I was constantly trying to make my life more glamorous. I was seeking approval, I wanted everybody I met to like me and find me intelligent. I admired people I thought were successful and often felt inadequate and, to compensate for my feelings of infe¬riority, I would drink a glass or two. It made me feel better about myself and took away my inhibitions. Upon reflection, it seems that hiding is the recurring theme of my life. Concealing the sexual abuse and the impact this had on me, concealing my lack of self-confidence and, in time, hiding my health problems. I had caused accidents, driving while intoxicated, had entered into stupid fights because I was soused and the alcohol and prescription drugs I was hooked on had taken a great toll on my physical condition. One thing I am proud of is that I mustered up the courage and called SolutionS. I was directed to someone who immediately gave me the impression that she knew exactly what I was going through. Later on, I learned that she had been an addict too; one develops an instinct for these things. From then on, things took a rapid turn. Just a few days later, I was on a plane that took me to the clinic. At first, it was really tough. It took me about 3 weeks to detox from the Xanax. It was awful, but everyone was highly motivated and the staff was invariably friendly and considerate. I think this is what gave me the heart to hang in there. I dreaded the therapy sessions: all those years, I had been hiding my real feelings and now I was required to lay everything bare and show my true self in the group sessions. I have to say: doing so did build up my confidence. I also learned about the pitfalls, why I reacted the way I did and what I could do to change things around. When the time came to return home, I was so excited even though I was also somewhat apprehensive. I had made all these resolutions and was in high spirits, yet I was very aware that it could go terribly wrong. I had already tried to quit so many times and each time I had failed miserably. Would this time be different? While I was on the way home I was sure that I would remain clean, my husband persuaded me to sign up for the SolutionS aftercare program. And it’s true: I wouldn't have made it without it. However strong you may feel, there are times when you are on the brink of falling back on "old" habits. Not just when things go bad or when you’re under severe pressure, but strangely enough when you are enjoying yourself and bursting with confidence as well. That's when you overestimate your ability to resist. At the clinic, you train in a vacuum. My aftercare counsellor taught me to put into practice what I had learned at the clinic. I feel so much better now. I take life as it comes, enjoying the small things. I accept that I will not always be at the peak of my form and found that now that I have learned to share my feelings and deal with minor setbacks or moments of self-doubt, I am more at peace. I have learned to be who I am, and I have regained trust in others and myself. I'm perfectly OK with the way I am. Marjanne Hans, 45 , alcohol addict Married, four children Business owner How it all took a turn for the better...
The summer of '95, I was 36 and recovering from a burnout. Unfortunately, this is when I lay the foun¬dation of my alcoholism. The psychologist I had consulted a couple of times told me that it was OK to have a drink or two when you're feeling depressed. I tried it and it helped, although it did leave me feeling uncomfortable. I knew that drinking could turn into a habit. The first few years I managed to keep it under control, but I should never have started experimenting! I went on periodic binges, especially when things got tense. The fear of a mental relapse was consuming me. I managed to repress it, yet under the surface it was always there. Until in 2003 it all spinned out of control . The business I took over from my father in 1995 was a tremendous energy drain. I felt responsible for its success and continued expanding. Family life was also a burden. My wife and four children always came first , but the responsibility was crushing me. The children had come in quick succession, there were the mortgage payments and the company's unabating growth. But what if business would slow down? What if I don't achieve the company's goals? I felt the pressure and got into the habit of drinking a glass of wine, a few beers, to take the edge off my stress. I was afraid that I would not be up to the challenge of combining a thriving but exacting business with quality time for my family. Early in 2003, the first signs of exhaustion manifest¬ed themselves in the form of a burnout. I continued working, mostly out of necessity, because the staff turnover had been severe and I had to catch up by putting in extra hours. In 2003, I found a dependable and talented assistant and was finally able to take some time off. This sudden release of stress was what did me in. I had been used to a hands-on approach and was not good at delegating. The relent¬less search for perfection, the sense of responsibility and the pressure of work caused my burnout. My innate need to be a high achiever only made things worse. The foundation of my downfall was laid in my youth. My father always held me (and my brothers) to the highest standards and he was hard to please. He never gave us a thumbs-up, even though we often deserved it. All this contributed to turn an innocent after-dinner drink into a die-hard drinking habit. My family suffered first, as I had countless arguments with my wife. Also, I was no longer an asset to the company. I sat on the sofa, bored to tears and sipping wine or sherry or knocking back beers. I had reached rock bottom when SolutionS entered the picture. Although I was reluctant to accept the help thrusted upon me, I found myself in a clinic in the UK. I stayed the full month and reconnected with my old self. I understood that I had to learn to describe my feelings and get a better grasp on them. At first, it felt uneasy, but what a relief it proved to be! Expressing my emotions had never been my forte. I definitely learned this from my stay in the UK. I can strongly recommend it to anyone who find themselves in a situation similar to mine. While at times the urge to drink still rears its ugly head and can be difficult to resist, I have managed to stay sober. I also have the SolutionS team to thank for this!! They are close-knit bunch of people who have learned from their own experience and who are backed by highly-trained professionals. I am so grateful for their help! The result is an amazing personal recovery; I am fully functional again, both as a loving member of my family and as the head of my company. Luckily, I have not lost anything and I do count my blessings, every day. I have learned to reflect on every hour of the day, 24/24. Each day without a drink is a victory. I must admit that the "Supreme Power", which to me is the God of the Bible, gives me strength and comfort when the going gets tough. Where I used to drink to forget my troubles, I can now be at peace with myself and confident about the future. I know now that I have an oversensitive personality and am prone to strong reactions to certain situations, which makes me vulnerable. By recognizing these situations and my own foibles, I can address them and use my sensitivity as a positive force. I now embrace and treasure every positive aspect of life. Compared to approx. 6 months ago, I made a 360° turn. I choose the light, sobriety and perspective. And very importantly: health. The people at SolutionS are always there for me. I can call them any hour of the day or night and the two-weekly meetings are a big help. The support I receive from my wife, my children, my family and my friends is invaluable. Nothing that was dear to me has been irretrievably lost, which is a relief. I can take but little credit for it, though. Now that it all took a turn for the better, I will continue on this course... Hans Cissy, 48, alcohol addict Married, no children Works for a major airline How my life became richer and more fulfilling...
My name is Cissy and yes, I confess: I am an alcoholic. It took me 30 years to admit to the fact and believe me, it has been a struggle. My childhood was a kind of Virginia Woolf production with the lead role played by my hard-drinking father. It was a tragic curtain, as he ended up in a home for the demented elderly, diagnosed with Korsakov's disease. Unfortunately, his sad example did not keep me from taking to the bottle myself. My heavy drinking also began at an early age: I was 17 and at that stage it was just a part of my social life. At 21, I relocated to the Middle East as a stewardess. A few drinks after a long flight were the ideal way to unwind, to forget the assault on the senses of a cabin atten¬dant's life. The effects of jetlag and extreme climate changes were soothed. Back in Holland after a chequered career overseas, my drinking did not abate. If anything, it grew worse. Luckily, I managed to balance my personal, professional and married life very well indeed. Or at least, that’s what I thought. So what if my drinking had become a daily ritual and I lost my bearings at times? No need to be hardass about it, after all: I had held my liquor well ever since college. Anyone who even at¬tempted to touch on the subject, including my husband, was nothing but a big pain in the you-know-what and they could pack up and leave. I could write a book of extremely funny, terribly embarrassing, and even tragic stories and anecdotes that punctuated my life of heavy drinking. The sad fact is, however, that there came a point where my friends and relatives and especially my husband were sick and tired of my drinking stints. With hindsight, I am thankful for their intervention: without it, I would never have mustered up the courage to pick up the phone, hands shaking, and call SolutionS, secretly hoping that no-one would pick up. The fact that my call was answered, even though I called on a Saturday, was what saved me. This call radically changed my life. A year ago, I could not have imagined how fine, how extremely fine I would be, without a drop of alcohol! I sought admission to a German clinic and now I am back on my feet. After my discharge, I availed myself of all the tools I had been handed, the aftercare provided by SolutionS and AA, for I was terrified of a relapse. The fear has lessened now and the insecurities that used to be intensified through the drinking have diminished as well. The paranoia that so often characterizes heavy drinkers is a thing of the past. In a word, life is richer, more satisfying and it all began simply by accepting that I am an alcoholic!!! Cissy Arnold, 48 , alcohol addict. Married to Annette, four children aged 25, 22, 19 and 15. In the floral export business Wake up and smell the roses...
I grew up surrounded by flowers: my grandfather ran a nursery and my father joined the business with two of his brothers. Because my uncles had children of their own who were keen on continuing the business, I went my own way. Over the past 19 years, my flower-export company has grown to be a major player in the field. This is a business that requires constant travel and on average I used to be home no more than a week a month. My wife, Annette, has always taken care of our family and she has done an excellent job raising our four kids, two of whom have since moved out. Our youngest two, who are now 19 and 15, still live with us, although they spend most of their time elsewhere, seeing how they’re teenagers. Over the past decade, I found that I developed a growing dependency on alcohol. It kind of snuck up on me, what with all those business meetings and drawn-out lunches. Whether in the Nether¬lands or on business trips, I always arranged for a chauffeur-driven limo. My secretary kept my appointments and she knew that I preferred to conduct meetings outside of the office . I had fooled myself into believing that so-called social drinking was better for business. Over time, I started yearning for my first drink earlier and earlier in the day and so I started carrying a flask. I was not aware of any change in my behaviour, but people who knew me did notice that I had become irritable, was prone to forgetting app¬ointments and was low on energy. The remarks from my wife, at first, and later on my children and the odd family member who had mustered up the courage to speak up, I simply brushed aside. Soon I started to respond harshly to such comments, as I saw them as hostile, and I withdrew within myself. I figured that as long as I kept out of their way, both literally and on an emotional level, they would not bother me and I wouldn’t bother them. We no longer had friends over and children avoided bringing their schoolmates home. In my business, I took decisions that I would never have considered had my head been clear. Over time, it cost me a huge amount of money. Last year, my daughter graduated and wanted to have a party at our home. She urged her mother to keep an eye on me, so that I wouldn't drink myself into a stupor and embarrass her in front of her friends. As I tended to snap at anyone who dared to bring up the subject, she was afraid to ask me to be on my best behaviour straightforwardly. An hour before the party my wife subtly reminded me of how important it was to my daughter to make the event a success and how hard she had worked to deserve this. The devil got hold of me. Obviously, I understood perfectly well how important the party was to my daughter and in doubting that I would behave they were questioning my love as a father, or that’s how I saw it. So in spite of my good intentions it was because of this lack of understanding on their part that I got plastered in the course of a few hours, and very conspicuously and loudly so. My daughter was deeply embarrassed, I was barely conscious enough to see her running away in tears. The party ended in a disaster. My whole family was outraged and hurled their reproaches at me. My two eldest shouted that they would never again set foot in the house if I was there. In the weeks that followed, I tried to cut back on my drinking but I just couldn't do it. The shame and the guilt I felt drove me to the bottle. I finally contacted SolutionS when I was at my wits' end, having made a complete mess not only of my private life but in business as well. My wife had called for a brochure months before, but I had refused to even look at it. I flew to a clinic in South Africa, intent on being as far away from home and my loved ones, and most of all from my old life as I could possibly be. While I was away, my SolutionS' counsellor kept in touch with my family. They too needed support in these difficult times and they were informed of all the possible implications of an addiction. Eventually, I came to see this at the clinic, but they had nothing to fall back on other than their anger and frustration. Through their talks with the counsellor, my family gradually came to understand my predicament, but it took several months after my return before they managed to trust me again, to some extent. I quite understand their reluctance to let me back into their lives but it is still painful, especially when it takes a tremendous effort, day after day, to remain sober. Things are better in my private life and on a professional level. I wouldn’t say that everything is under control, but I have learned to let go and to yield to and trust the judgment of others. I have learned to wake up and smell the roses... Arnold Lucas, 38, alcohol, cocaine and gambling addict. Cohabiting with his partner, 1 daughter (4). Law degree, worked as a commercial Project Manager . Now employed by a software company. Stronger than ever...
October 6, 2003. I, Lucas, aged 38, commit myself to the closed ward of Endegeest, a psychiatric institution in Oegstgeest out of my own free will. I cannot cope anymore. Fifteen excruciat¬ing years of fighting a gambling addiction, a drinking problem and a drug habit have been destroying me. The gambling addiction has been the most devastating: my financial problems preclude me from addressing my other problems. I’m a lost cause. Complete disillusion and self-hatred vie with feelings of guilt and shame, because in spite of my confirmed talent and abilities and having had every oppor¬tunity to use them, I utterly failed to live up to them, and to meet the expectations of my girlfriend, family and friends . I wasted fifteen years of my life, a time during which 'normal' people lay the foundations of a full and worthwhile existence - an education, a job, a home, a family. Why go on? October 15, 2004. My sister introduced me to SolutionS (and I will be eternally grateful to her for that) and now I am standing in front of a clinic somewhere southeast of Berlin. SolutionS made all the arrangements and I am about to begin a new life. I hardly know what to expect but I have made a firm resolution: for once, I will meet this challenge with an open mind, without preconceived ideas or my usual know-it-all attitude (one of my 'strong' points). The SolutionS counsellor assigned to me has explained that this was essential if I wanted to get rid of my addictions. The ¬people at the clinic made it clear that the first step was to accept my condition and the fact that I could not resolve my all problems by myself. That I did not have a monopoly on wisdom (after 38 years of thinking the opposite, that did come as a surprise...) and most of all, that there were things in life that escaped my control. In short, a complete change of mindset. November 4, 2004. My third week in the clinic. Intensive therapy from early morning to late at night. It’s tough, but it’s also kind of exciting and interesting. Today, they (i.e. the clinic's experts) gave me an estimate on how long I should stay in order to have a fighting chance to overcome my addictions. 'Three more weeks' is the verdict and, as per my resolution, I take this advice to heart, in spite of the fact that I already feel great. This is not as strange as it may seem because, from day one, I decided to go the whole hog and change a few other things I disliked about myself. Gone were the cigarettes and I was tackling my excess weight through sports, exercise, a healthy diet and plenty of water. November 26, 2004. Time to go home, at last! Emotional good-byes to staff and other patients. The high praise and congratulations heaped on me appear surreal: is this really me? Still, it’s true that I feel like the 'old' Lucas, a feeling I have not had in a long time - longer than I can remember. I am in great shape, both mentally and physically, and I return to my girlfriend and four-year-old daughter a new man, confident about what the future will bring. December 30, 2004. I've been home for five weeks now and I'm still doing great. I've just completed a decisive chapter of my plan for resolving my financial problems. I have adhered to the strict discipline adopted at the clinic, simply because it what is best for me. I never miss an appointment or follow-up session with SolutionS and intend to keep it that way. Ditto for my twice-weekly AA meetings. Steps I would never have contemplated in my former life because of the fallacy that I could surmount my problems by myself and/or that it was all a pointless charade anyway. I have come to realize that everything that I have achieved so far relies on letting go of my hang-ups, my preconceived ideas, my 'I-know-better' attitude. On surrendering myself to the experience of others without reservations. And of course, to the impeccable credentials and high quality of the German SolutionS clinic, and, last but not least, the support of my fellow patients! 'Sobriety is the only way to victory' is what it says in step 10 of the AA credo. It may sound like a cliché but to me, with all my addictions just waiting grabbing hold of me once again, the phrase has extra significance. I always considered my gambling habit as my biggest problem, and in a way that’s true. Yet whenever I embarked on a new attempt to put a stop to it, I left the drinking out of the equation because that, of course, was not a problem. I see now the extent of my self-delusions: after a few beers, the best resolutions are forgotten and before you know it, you're back at the tables. Alcohol is a silent assassin, the stepping stone and foundation to other problems or addic¬tions! Anyone who wants to tackle a gambling or drug habit seriously, should first forsake the drinking, even if at that stage alcohol may not seem like a problem in itself! I made arrangements with SolutionS so that people who feel the need can call me and talk about my experience. My phone number is available from SolutionS. January 1, 2005. Truly a Happy New Year; a new future unfolds! I cannot believe that so much has been achieved in so little time! A great feeling, almost a 'high', as if... But no, I haven’t taken any alcohol or drugs: I am simply high on life again! Lucas Hilde, 34 , bulimic Single, no children Works as a producer for a TV production company Eating... from obsession to enjoyment...
I have an eating disorder. A couple of years ago, it I started to skip meals, and eat very little. Maybe you could call it an obsession. I could not have a conversation, or engage in my daily chores without thinking of food. Eating was my first thought when I got up in the morning, and my last before going to bed. While everyone could see how thin I was, I guess my friends never knew I was lying through my teeth. It took me a long time to realize that this was a problem that had to be solved. It just drove me crazy. I consulted with a psychiatrist who apparently was not familiar with the subject and only came up with practical tips like: just have three regular meals a day. Duh! After three visits, I gave up. Later, I tried joining a self-help group of women with eating disorders and, while the sharing was somewhat cathartic, I felt I was getting nowhere. Then I heard about SolutionS. The first interview went very well, I felt they really understood what was driving me to near-insanity. They suggested a clinic in South Africa where people with all kinds of addictions receive treatment and several patients suffering from eating disorders had already been helped. The prospect did not appeal to me, I did not want to go on sick leave or a take long break from work. But a few weeks later, having caught myself eating scraps from the dustbin, I realized there was no other way. So, I did take a month off to go to the clinic. It was tough, with endless days talking about my problems, listening to the problems of others, but gradually some things became crystal-clear. What drives you to this behaviour, what are the hardest moments and what can be done to overcome them. Every addiction is different, but there are general rules that apply to all of them. After 4 weeks, I returned home a much wiser person . But I felt so insecure! When you stay at the clinic, you can count on the support of your companions in misfortune and a fantastic team of counsellors. Back home, however, you soon fall back into your bad habits and find yourself confronted with the very same things that led to your obsession. Somebody had to keep a tight rein on my impulses and I must thank SolutionS for doing just that. The thought that you can call someone, any day of the week, whenever the need arises is a relief. I must admit that there were times when I thought: shove all your handy hints, I'm just going to do what I feel like doing. Sometimes, all this therapeu¬tic tinkering just becomes too much. Yet they were relentless, week after week, and a good thing too! I was also urged to join Overeaters Anonymous. Because they too use the Twelve Steps I felt right at home. I'm not there yet, not by a long shot. I still count calories, day in, day out. But I have learned so much, was given tools to get a handle on things and got over the worst, so now I can resume a semblance of normal life. I know for sure that I will recover completely; I feel the support of my peers and the comfort of a safety net. Hilde Noes, 52 , alcohol addict Married to a bank manager Three childred, aged 25, 22 and 19. Count your blessings
I was asked to write a song. It's for a wedding anniversary and it has to be to the tune of Abba's "Thank you for the Music". I could easily tweak the text and make it all about me: "Thank you for SolutionS". Because without SolutionS I would still be the drunken wretch that I have been for so long. Someone who, every single day, keeps on chanting her mantra that tomorrow things will be better and she will not take a sip before happy hour. And every day, I started drinking earlier until I needed a drink first thing in the morning. But I was not an alcoholic, of course not! I had never toppled over in a drunken stupor, never experienced a blackout. What I failed to see, however, was that come the evening I got testy and petulant, that during the day I had no energy and could not face even the most mundane tasks. My family always stood by me, but I realized that if I did not change my ways I would lose them and cause irreparable damage to myself. A friend (... you learn who they are when times are bad) introduced me to SolutionS. In my over-confidence, I first tried a spell of controlled drinking. Not a good idea. There are too many situations that make you lapse into uncontrolled drinking. I finally formed my resolution: I would go into therapy to try and save what could be saved. This clinic became the place for me. Five weeks of talking, listening but most of all rediscovering my true self, realizing that wallowing in self-pity is the worst you can do. In England, where you can fully focus on yourself, I finally understood that self-indulgent lingering over your perceived sorrows and misfortunes is not only uncalled for but that it is also a by-product of excessive drinking. The life story I wrote during my stay ends in the words 'Count your Blessings'. This is now my motto and I live by it. Looking back on the past seven alcohol-free months I see a happy person, full of new energy. I achieved more in this period than I did over the past seven years. I feel embraced again by my loving family and an 'outside world' that is no longer judgmental but full of respect for the new me! Thank you for SolutionS. Noes